It has been a crappy week. I had a pound gain at Monday's weigh in. I am still finding it extremely hard to stay on track with my eating on the weekend. I am tired and don't want to cook, hubby is tired because he cooks all week and wants to go out, and there are just to many unbusy hours in the day. At least when I am at work my mind is occupied for 9 hours a day. Eating out that is another nightmare, I never am really sure what to order to eat and there is so much temptation involved in going and sitting down where you can have almost anything your heart desires.
I went off the deep end yesterday and ate Sonic and Panda Express and the sad thing is I don't know why exactly but it was definately not hunger. I don't believe I am not losing weight because of my diet, I believe I am not losing weight because I don't eat often enough. I can get up in the morning and go all day without eating but then when I get home I am usually starved and that causes a binge effect. I am so sick of water, and crystal light/drink mixes do not help. I am not a water person so any water consumption for me is good. I really need to get focus on my water consumption and get off of diet pepsi.
I also started another journey this week. I am addicted to prescription sleeping medication and when my pills ran out this past Sunday I decided that I am determined to get off of them. I don't think any task that you need to accomplish for your health and well being is ever easy and this is no exception. I am not sleeping and I am so tired that I can barely function, but I will take that over the memory lost I have been experiencing after taking the medication anytime.
It will be a challenge, but hopefully I can get it all together and come out of this week with a loss.
So today was not a good day at all. I had Sonic for breakfast, I had Panda Express for Lunch, I ate pork chops, mashed potatoes, and green beans for dinner. I snacked on a candy bar and chocolate pudding. I just did not care and it was very discouraging! Why do I sabotage myself like this? I would really like to be able to answer this question but I can't. Maybe one day I will have the answer but for now I will continue to fight and search for motivation.
Some weeks prove uneventful as if nothing is going on, there is no motivation, no desire, no feeling of urgency to move forward. Other weeks are traumatic, emotional, consumed with weight gain, self loathing, and an overall sense of failure. Then there are weeks like this week that are motivational, productive, successful and eye opening. I lost 7 pounds in 7 days! Yay Me! I also realized that I am changing my life because I want to get healthy, not because I want to be what society dictates as thin and beautiful. I want to be able to hike, to run, to see the view from the top of the mountain and mostly to live life to the fullest without stopping every 15 minutes to rest or catch my breath.
I have spent my entire adult life fighting this demon and looking for love, comfort, support and acceptance. I finally found all that and so much more in my husband Bruce. When we met I was at my absolute lowest health wise and my highest weight wise and he fell in love with me. Bruce loved me at 300 pounds, he never saw me as fat, ugly, or grotesque, he just saw me. He loved me through sickness, depression, and he still loves me today through all the smiles, sweat, fears and tears. On days when I just can’t seem to keep it together there he is. He is my knight in shining armor. He does not judge, nor demand. He just loves me.
Well here it is Sunday evening and another weekend has almost come and gone. I had a pretty good weekend as far as weekend goes. I got up Saturday morning and went out on my cemetery adventure for the weekend. I enjoy helping other people document the final resting place of their family and loved ones and it is also great form of stress relief and exercise for me. I was able to find and photograph three of the six tombstones I had claimed on Find a Grave. The first two were very easy to locate the third proved a little more of a challenge but with the help of a very nice cemetery employee we were finally able to locate and photograph the third.
Saturday Evening Bruce and I went to see Frank Marino's Divas 10pm show at The Imperial Palace. First off Imperial Palace was PACKED! (Who Knew?!?) I have been living in Las Vegas for 10 years and have never been inside this little casino, never even thought about going there. The show was absolutely awesome! I would recommend anyone who has been thinking of going to see it to GO! We were in complete awe of the "women" who are in fact NOT women. Sad to say, but we found ourselves staring and thinking, "Where the heck do they put it?" We will definitely be going back to see this show again and I will be taking my camera because believe it or not this show ALLOWS you to take photos. (Who Knew?!?)
Today has been a quiet day, I have done nothing overly exciting. Uploaded the photo I took yesterday, got them posted, answered some email, watched some recorded shows on my DVR and messed around on facebook. I am very proud of myself this weekend I did not blow my diet, did not eat a bunch of crap, and I did actually weigh this morning and I was down 10 pounds. (Yay Me!) The official weigh in is not until morning though so we will not celebrate just yet.
So here's to the new week, eating right, losing weight, and finding myself.
So here I sit at work on my lunch break eating my plain salad (no dressing) and drinking my water thinking of how much I would rather be at home. I am really starting to believe that my work environment is part of the reason I have been feeling so depressed lately. I spend 9 hours a day in a 10x10 room with gray walls and ugly brown carpet with no windows. There are 3 desks in this room that I share with my two other co-workers. My goal for the weekend is to purchase some things to place in my work area to make it a little more bright and cheery. I am going to get a bright happy artificial flower and some kind of brightly colored paper to tack over the bulletin board then hang some of the photographs that I have taken of my family. I think that will definately help with the close, unfriendly quarters that I spend 40 hours a week in.
So today I am actually feeling somewhat better. It could be because it is Friday, it could be because TOM finally showed up, or it could be because food wise I have had an awesome week. Now I have to start working on the exercise part of my weight loss journey. I do a lot of walking at work throughout the day which helps but it is not nearly enough. This being said I will now list my new short term goals.
Short Term Goals
1. Walk 30 minutes a day ~~Accomplished
2. Drink 64-70 ounces of water a day. ~~Accomplished
3. Cut out all soda (currently drinking 1-2 cans of diet pepsi a day) ~~Accomplished
4. Be able to wear the nursing scrubs they sell at Walmart. (Silly but personal)
5. Walk 5K "Race for the Cure" on May 7, 2011. ~~ Epic Fail due to major illness
I'm in a rut and I am slipping deeper and deeper into that lonely place I go when I am so completely stressed and overwhelmed. Part of me doesn’t want anyone to know I am depressed, but the other part wants to scream it loud and clear so the world will know. I am struggling and don't know how to get a grip.
When I arrived at work today one of my co-workers was passing these out. Of course these are my absolute favorite candy bar. (shaking and twitching) She gave me one and it is now laying on my desk taunting me. The challenge of the day is for it to still be laying there at 4:30pm PST when I get off work. Wish me lots and lots of luck!!